Manic Monday Welcomes Jodie Renner

I’m excited to welcome editor Jodie Renner today. She’s got some great advice for writing tense action scenes, and we all know what those mean: an awesome page turner!

WRITING TENSE ACTION SCENES

by Jodie Renner, freelance fiction editor, @JodieRennerEd

Stacy recently asked me how editing thrillers is different from editing other genres. That’s a huge topic, too much for one blog post, and would include differences in plot, characterization, pacing, word choice, and writing style, among many other considerations. For today, I thought I’d just talk about writing effective action scenes, which can also appear in romantic suspense, mysteries, action adventures, fantasies, and any other genre.

When your characters are running for their lives, write tight and leave out a lot of description, especially little insignificant details about their surroundings. Of course, if the details would somehow help them, then definitely include them.

Characters on the run don’t have time to sightsee or have great long discussions. Their adrenaline is pumping and all they’re thinking of is survival.

A few quick tips for writing strong action scenes:

~ Show, don’t tell (of course!). See my blog post on this topic.

~ Stay in the scene with the characters – don’t intrude as the author to explain anything.

~ Avoid lengthy discussions among characters or long, involved thought processes.

~ Cut out any little unneeded words that are cluttering up sentences and slowing down the pace.

~ Use short sentences and paragraphs.

~ Use the most powerful verbs you can find.

~ Show your viewpoint character’s sensory impressions to suck readers in more.

~ Show your POV character’s emotional and physical reactions, starting with visceral responses.

~ Show other characters’ reactions through their words, tone of voice, actions, body language, and facial expressions.

SOME BEFORE AND AFTER EXAMPLES OF ACTION SCENES, WELL-DISGUISED FROM MY EDITING:

(My bold-face so you can find the changes easily.)

Before:

Fortunately for Jennifer, the attacker was far enough away that when he attempted to grab her she sidestepped him and delivered a sharp kick to the outside of his left knee.

He grunted and fell back against the stack of wooden crates. He then got up clumsily, rubbing his arm, showing his anger at how easily Jennifer had dodged and hit him.

After: 

The attacker lunged at Jennifer. She dodged to the side and delivered a sharp kick to his knee.

He grunted and fell against the stack of wooden crates. He scrambled up, rubbing his arm, eyes full of hate. [or sneering at her. Or ….]

Before:

His facial expression changed from one showing loathing to one communicating unrestrained joy. Jennifer realized at that moment that she had made a fatal mistake. She looked to her right. The door leading out of the warehouse was about fifty feet from where she was standing.

After:

His expression changed from loathing to unrestrained joy. Jennifer knew she had made a fatal mistake. She searched for the exit door. It was to her right, about fifty feet away.

Before:Jennifer took the opportunity to step around the closing door and get outside.

After: Jennifer grabbed her chance to run through the closing door and escape.

Before: An inline skater came careening around the corner and skated fast towards them, shouting loudly. Josh shot a look back at Amy as he grabbed her arm and pulled her bodily to the edge of the street out of the path of the oncoming skater.

After: An inline skater came careening around the corner and barreled towards them, yelling. Josh grabbed Amy’s arm and pulled her out of the path of the oncoming skater.

Before: Moments later, another skater was coming at them at breakneck pace. This time it was Amy’s turn to save her companion as she pushed Josh flat against the gray-colored stone wall of the adjacent building.

[At times of stress, sentences need to be shorter. And leave out minor details, as Josh isn’t thinking that the stones are gray-colored right now.]

After: Moments later, another skater came at them at a breakneck pace. Amy shoved Josh against the stone wall of the building beside them.  [or just: against the building.]

Before:

Kate and Lauren ran down the tunnel to an open doorway, then up some stone steps leading to a stone walkway. Kate hesitated for only a moment at the top in order to jam the hand gun she was holding into her waistband and give her time to figure out where to run.

In front of them was a huge stone courtyard, which was too open for them to safely cross before the smugglers would come looking for them. Kate knew she had to find a hiding place quickly. Then it came to her.

“Follow me,” Kate commanded, running off to her left.

“Where are we going?” Lauren asked, as she ran beside Kate.

“To the ancient pavilion. It’s halfway down the east wall of the courtyard. From there, we can access other parts of the ruins if we need to escape from the men who I know will soon be looking for us.

[First paragraph has too much minor, unnecessary detail. In the last paragraph, her language is too correct and formal, especially for someone out of breath and running for her life! And all that detail isn’t necessary, as she’ll be leading the way, anyway.]

After:

Kate and Lauren sprinted down the tunnel, then up some stone steps to a walkway. At the top, Kate stopped to jam the gun into her waistband and figure out where to run.

In front of them was a wide open stone courtyard. They’d never get across without the smugglers spotting them. Kate knew she had to find a hiding place quickly. Then it came to her.

“Follow me,” Kate said, dashing off to her left.

“Where are we going?” Lauren asked as she raced to keep up.

“To the pavilion. We can hide in the ruins behind it.

Now it’s your turn – you be the editor.

Here are a few for you, readers and writers. How would you make these two unrelated sentences tighter, tenser and more powerful? Give us your suggestions in the comments. Thanks!

~ He looked quickly down the narrow street in the direction they had come.

~ As soon as Chris started to rise, Nathan saw it as an indication he was going to follow, and started off back in the direction of the elevator, this time worrying less about his silence and more about haste.

Thanks so much, Jodie! Her newest e-book, Styles That Sizzle, is on sale for only $0.99 for a limited time. And remember, you don’t need to own a Kindle to buy Kindle e-books. You can download them to your computer or tablet and read them that way!

* * *

Jodie Renner is a freelance editor specializing in thrillers, romantic suspense, mysteries, and other crime fiction. Please check out Jodie’s website and blog, as well as her group blog, Crime Fiction Collective.

Jodie’s craft of fiction articles are published regularly on various blogs, and she has published two e-books on writing compelling fiction, with more to follow. Jodie’s two e-books, both in the series An Editor’s Guide to Writing Compelling Fiction, are Writing a Killer Thriller and Style that Sizzles and Pacing for Power.

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About Stacy Green

Stacy Green is the best selling author of psychological thrillers and mystery with a dash of romance. As a stay at home mom, she's blessed with making writing a full-time career. She lives in Iowa with her supportive husband, daughter, and their three fur-babies.
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20 Responses to Manic Monday Welcomes Jodie Renner

  1. Jodie Renner says:

    Thanks for hosting me here on your fabulous blog, Stacy! It’s a pleasure to be here. Writers and/or readers, can you help us pare down those last two sentences? Or maybe suggest a different convoluted sentence for us to work on? Thanks! – Jodie

  2. susielindau says:

    This is such excellent advice! I will definitely use these tips for my thriller. Thanks for sharing!

  3. jodierennerediting says:

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Susie! Glad you find my tips and examples helpful!

  4. donnagalanti says:

    Great tips Jodie! I love to cut and trim and find editing fun. Great advice to not stop and explain things as the author. We can forget that our readers are smart and will get it of we build it along the way! I loved the examples of trimming here to show how you really can cut out those unnecessary words that slow down your tension.

  5. jodierennerediting says:

    Thanks for dropping over and commenting, Donna! Yes, that part of my editing can be fun and rewarding, and my clients invariably see the improvement and appreciate my suggestions for trimming their wordy sentences and paragraphs.

  6. Julie Glover says:

    What a difference between before & after! Thanks, Jodie, for the great examples. And thanks, Stacy, for the great guest!

  7. Catie Rhodes says:

    I loved reading through the before and after. Great tips for revising. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Jodie.

    • jodierennerediting says:

      Thanks, Julie and Catie! I hope the examples help you with decluttering as well. Now can anybody tackle my closet? LOL

  8. Oh, I love a challenge:
    He looked quickly down the narrow street in the direction they had come.

    He glanced at the narrow street behind them.

    As soon as Chris started to rise, Nathan saw it as an indication he was going to follow, and started off back in the direction of the elevator, this time worrying less about his silence and more about haste.

    Chris rose to follow. Nathan raced back toward the elevator, concerned more about speed now than silence.

    My question is, why is it so much easier to see these needed changes in others’ work than in our own? 🙂 Thanks, Jodie and Stacy!

  9. Great post, Jodie, with very helpful advice. For me, it’s important to write the action as I would experience it, almost like a movie in my head. Things move quickly. If there’s an internal response, it’s usually fleeting because there’s not much time to notice. During one of the many passes I do through the MS, I actually spend time seeking out insignificant details that slow down my pace. For me, this is an important part of my process.

    • jodierennerediting says:

      Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment, Andrew. Yes, those insignificant details not only slow down the pace, but they can be like little bumps in the road for the readers, jolting them out of the story momentarily.
      I think it’s important to show the POV character’s reactions, however fleeting, as in a flash of pain or other visceral reaction, or a quick decision to change course in some way, as, unlike a movie, in a novel we’re in somebody’s head, usually the protagonist’s, and feeling their reactions brings them to life for us and makes us more emotionally engaged in their plight, rooting all the harder for them.

  10. Impressive work, Jodie!

  11. willmcm says:

    Really helpful blog. I’ll be revising my action scenes again after this.

    My attempt:
    He looked quickly down the narrow street in the direction they had come.
    —He glanced back down the street.

    As soon as Chris started to rise, Nathan saw it as an indication he was going to follow, and started off back in the direction of the elevator, this time worrying less about his silence and more about haste.
    —Chris stood as if to follow, so Nathan set off towards the elevator. Speed was more important than silence.

    —Will’m

  12. colonialist says:

    I am predisposed towards pooh-poohing articles on pruning words, but can’t fault this one. The amended versions say all they need to.
    However, for your exercise I have given the briefest version, plus one that assumes all the information is relevant.
    He glanced back.
    He flashed a look down the narrow street from which they had emerged.
    He dashed back towards the elevator.
    Assuming the rising Chris would follow, Nathan raced back towards the elevator, speed overriding silence.

    • Jodie Renner says:

      Thanks, Colonialist. May I suggest for the first one, a combination of your two: “He glanced back down the street,” as the “back” assumes they came that way, and is more concise than your second one. Thanks for dropping by and commenting! There’s certainly no “correct” answer to any of these, but actions scenes demand brevity and to-the-point phrasing.

  13. mardi62013 says:

    Jodie I am a new novelist and just published my first novel The Legacy. Wow I have enjoyed reading the blogs.I just want to learn, I will look out with intrest to others that can help me with writing my sequel.Thanks Mardi

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